I remember now part of why I have a blog. Its somewhere I can go and say aaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh. And a bit of grrrrrrrrr

In short the reason is my father. He is driving me madder. Again. For those that dont know the background, he's an alcoholic. And he's pretty much let alcohol fuck up most of his life, and then blamed anyone and anything, except his own sheer stupidity. When sober, he can actually be ok, quite nice to be around, mostly. Drunk, well, he's divorced cos my mum who loved him, had had enough of him being pissed all the time, and being very verbablly abusive.

He's had depression on and off, mostly on, for a very long time. And as alcohol is a depressant, when he drinks cos he feels shit, oddly enough he ends up feeling more shit. He is supposedly an very intelligent man. After splitting from my mum, he had a 'girlfriend' for ages. And when she dumped him, he got worse than he'd ever been, stopped eating, just surviving on 40 fags a day and a bottle of gin. He then got done for drink driving, again. So 4 years ago, almost exactly, he decided suicide was a good plan. Naturally he couldnt even do that properly. I'm the only relative within 70 miles, so sorted him into hospital, and updated what felt like my entire family, including long lost cousins i'd never met (It was actually 4 people, but shush) Somehow he got into rehab that autumn, which he then got himself kicked out of early January, cos when he was let out for an afternoon, he got pissed.

That seems to be the one thing that got through to him however, and he got sober, and stayed sober \o/ The main thing that has kept him sober however is that he's not worked, not through choice - he jsut cant get a job, and so has near no money.

But, and you knew there was one coming, recently he's been drinking again. I pretty much only have contact with him on Sundays normally, when we go to the pub for the quiz. Theres a real irony that the only way I know of to be sure hes not drinking is to take him to the pub!! I know he shouldnt drink though, and he knows I know this, and my friends S+K who we quiz with also know this, so he wouldnt drink. In his stupidity I think he thinks we wont notice that hes been drinking half the day. Erm, hello??? I grew up with him being drunk half the time, I can tell when he phones me that hes drunk, just by the way he says hello. Hes just rung me, hes drunk.

So I am grrrrrrrrrrrrrring cos he shouldnt, it is gonna kill him one of these days, and I'll get to sort all the mess out he'll leave. And I'm grrrrring cos I cant yet work out where the f*** he's getting the money. Either his dim mother (I'm not her greatest fan) is giving him money again, or hes not paying his bills, not eating, and just spending the money on alcohol.

Maybe I should start taking bets on quite which way he'll manage to kill himself. It may sound morbid, but if I dont try and make light of it...... I'm thinking a car accident is unlikely, he has driven while drunk consistently for about 20 years, and despite being caught, and banned for it 3 times, once he has a car again, he's bound to still do it. Its one of the problems he has when drunk, he thinks he's fine, dont even ask what reading the machine came up with last time he was done

Oh, and he's met some woman online, they talk all the time, have done for a couple of years now. Only she lives in NY state, so they've not yet met. She is apparently coming over for a visit in August. I'm dreading it, he wants me to meet her, which might be fine. But what worries me is that it shouldnt take her long to realise what hes like in reality, and if she then dumps him.... And I know, I know, I shouldnt worry about what might not even happen, but knowing him, and whats happened in the past, I think I have jsut cause. And I as say, I'm the only person nearby, so I'll get to either sort him, or his estate out. He has already appointed me exectutor of his will

I'm gonna go scream and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr elsewhere for a bit